Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Grief: Life, Death and the Meaning of Confusion

Life:  I loved being with my daughter in Seattle.  Her baby is due December 18th.  Her baby shower was fun until someone started talking about wanting to work in hospice and knowing what dying people want and how intuitive she was.  Not intuitive enough to notice me gnashing my teeth.  Death at a baby shower.  I did mention Artie dying and that you can't know what people want without asking them.  I left the table for a safe place.  My granddaughter Gwendolyn is kicking and dancing in my daughter's womb.  Life always triumphs.  I went to a birthing class with her (I closed my eyes when they showed an actual birth on a movie screen) and a doctor's appointment.  It's fun buying things for her and the baby.

Death:  I'm not used to being outside my NYC nest.  I have all my support systems in NYC; phsycially and emotionally.  I wasn't used to being in Seattle.  I have to find a way to do that.  I didn't realize how many pictures of Artie I had put out until my friend and her daughter came over.  I turn everywhere I am into Artie land.  My eating was off.  I felt strange being away from his ashes.  How silly is that?  His ashes can't miss me.  I'm thinking that I need to find some strategies for dealing with being in a new place.  I've always hated going from coast to coast but being with my daughter when she has the baby is more important than my comfort.  If I could be more alive in myself and not long to be with Artie so much.  Ah. 

Life:  We will see how I feel when Gwendolyn is out in the world, all cuddled in my arms.  Will I have more pictures of her than of my dead husband?  Maybe I will.

Confusion:  We were having a talk about falling in love with people who are emotionally unavailable.  I asked if that's what I'm doing.  Someone said no.  With Artie it's the reverse.  He's not emotionally unavailable but he sure is physically unavailable.

The Meaning of Confusion:  Sorry, that was a trick.  The meaning of confusion is that you're confused  I'm confused.  Life without my husband feels like a living death and yet I am surrounded by life and I am grateful and laugh a lot.  Life with my new grandaughter coming soon feels like a living life and wouldn't that be what my loving husband would want for me to live life with the wonder of a new little baby.  Everything fresh and surprising.  But even then...he'll be dead and after over 2 years I still wake up in the morning a little shocked to find that he's not on his side of the bed.

Maybe the meaning of confusion is that it's okay to be confused.  It's okay to feel the wheel spin and not know where the little ball will land at any moment. 

I'm sorry I didn't write while I was away.  I didn't have the emotional energy for all that life.  It made me tired instead of energized.  Isn't that strange?  That's one goal - to find a way to write when I'm in Seattle.  I'll be there a long time December/January.  Here's to us having the energy that life gives us - finding a way to breathe it all in even though everything reminds us with all the people in the room - someone is missing.  Don't let the person that is missing be ourselves.  xo

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