Grief: Breathe a Little Space Around It

I am still at trance camp.  Today I asked about trauma that you know happened in the past but that you feel like it is happening over and over again.  I was told the first thing was to breathe space around it, widen the energy field.  I think that is something I have learned to do - not all the time - but a lot more.  I wake up in the morning and am always rather started and stunned that Artie is dead.  I then take (when I have time) as much as an hour or two to think about him, be with him, and then move in to what it is I want to do with the day.  I was also told that when you suffer a trauma the warriors that you have inside of you to protect the light - or the gift - that your presence in the world is meant to be - can disappear or be weakened.  I think a lot of the work I have been doing running around to all these trance/hypnosis workshops is to call back my warriors.  It's interesting that I have always called us grief warriors.

It is so easy, I am being told, to let my "racket" - my grief story be all that I am.  I can't do this - I can't do that - because my husband died.  I'm too sad.  I have to let go - not of my grief - but of the idea that this grief story is my only story.  I am trying to learn how to claim back my energy - or even wish - for life. No, I am doing more than trying, I am doing it.  Piece by piece. Not easily mind you. Tonight when the teacher said L'Chaim (to life) to me - I - without meaning to - said Fuck you!  He didn't mind.  My fierceness was erupting.  I also have so much invested in my grief story - I was protecting it - or maybe Artie was speaking through me - maybe he was jealous that another man was saying that to me! :)

I unravelled rather nicely around the second anniversary of Artie's death.  However, I was told that was normal and accepted it.  I hope that in the future I can look into the future and see myself as I will be.  A strong, amazing me.  That is the me that people often tell me I am, but I don't believe them. 

This is exhausting work.  I can't talk about it too much because of confidentiality but it is beautiful to watch people being willing to share their truest deepest most wounded selves and then find healing - as part of a supportive community. 

I am proud of myself for not bolting.  I have wanted to run away many times.  It is always difficult for me to stay as part of a group but this time I am staying.  We finish on Sunday and I am looking forward to being back home.  Part of me still wants to hide but my work here isn't finished yet.  I wonder who I will be when I grow up.  Funny kind of question to ask when I am 60 years old. 

I know that Artie is supporting me and encouraging me. 

I wish you all the ability to hold the darkness and the light.  I wish you all to be powerful warrior kings and queens - to be fierce, tender and playful.  xo