Friday, April 8, 2011

Grief: Homelessness

There I was sitting on my bed a year and about eight months after Artie's death in my gorgeous NYC apartment crying over feeling completely uprooted and homeless.  I turned on the computer and found a Facebook post by Widow Chick where so many folks were talking about the same thing.  It seems like for a lot of us our homes weren't places but people.  I am grateful for where I live.  I'm glad I don't know phsyical homelessness - like my husband did before he got and stayed sober. (He was sober for 47 years when he died - I am so proud of that.)  Still, emotional homelessness is painful.  Coming home always meant coming home to Artie - not to myself.  I am having a hard time learning how to come home to myself and be content with that.  His love is my home.  The longer he is dead the more I wonder about how much I am living in the past and if that is okay or not.  I don't want anyone but him - on the other hand - if I cling to that - then I will be alone for the rest of my life because it isn't time to go home to him yet.  His letters and notes are so beautiful.  I want to think that his spirit is all around me - yet he is dead.

I don't have any answers only questions. I did my show on Monday night and it went very well.  Now I am supposed to be working on the full version that is on May 14th.  I think it is important to talk about Artie dying at home surrounded by love - about us - and about me being alive when I am alive.  It touches people and they keep asking me to do it.  It's difficult tho - to go back to that time and space.  To stand on stage next to the hospital bed he was lying in (in my imagination) and describe his last breath - his last words (I love you.).  People I know who are in new relationships seem to be happier.  I just banged my elbow- was it because I just banged my elbow or was Artie saying "Hey, wait for us to be together again."  :)

I seem to be in a slump lately for no particular reason.  Haven't the excuse of any particular date coming up.  It's just that I am still that small child in a constant tantrum of I want my husband back.

Have lots of plans this weekend - some with friends - some by myself.  I do have to work on the show.  I plan a healthy day for myself and then I think it is too hard and I go to turn to Artie to say, "Hold me" and listen to him tell me it's okay - I can do it.  I'm still breathing.  How much he would want me to be loving every ounce of  life I have left.  How do I do it without him?  Some days I can.  Some days I can't.

It's April 16th I'm off to London for the workshop with Richard Bandler.  I have a lot of hope for his ability to create some change.  Maybe I am just a wimp!!  Strong enough to do some things and then...fold away again and feel sorry for myself.

I have a huge picture of Artie on my desk - I can look into his eyes - and yet he has no eyes.  It's all such a puzzlement - this grief thing - when you have loved one special person so deeply.  All of us who feel homeless at least create a bond with one another.  May we find a way to come home to ourselves - to feel at home in the world even though our loved one has left before us.  Here's to some smiles today - for me too. xo

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